Understand The Unwritten Rules of Gift-Giving

They’re seldom acknowledged and rarely discussed: the unwritten rules of gift giving. Even if we don’t talk about them, “the rules” determine what we give, how much we give, and to whom we give. They govern everything from the office Secret Santa exchange, to classroom gifts, to a family morning under the Christmas tree.

Problem is, “unwritten” means that gift-giving rules are subject to interpretation—both in our own minds, and in our dealings with others.

This year, many families will decide to renegotiate gift giving during the holidays. Whether in reaction to economic stress, or out of a genuine desire to simplify the holidays, cutting back on Christmas will be easier to do if you understand the unwritten rules of gift-giving.

Why is it so important to get a grip on the rules behind holiday giving?

First, if you don’t understand why you gift as you do, it’s easy to enter the land of the absurd: making a midnight raid on the supermarket’s toy aisle when you discover that one child’s stocking holds fewer gifts than his brother’s. Unexamined gift-giving assumptions lead to gifting decisions that can violate your own values—and worse, those decisions can appear to operate from nowhere!

Second, following one version of the unwritten rules can lead to conflict with others, who may hold a different view.

Scratch the surface of gift-giving stress, and you’re likely to find a rules conflict. Young adults take on debt to give their own parents gifts the empty nesters neither need nor use. A determined crafter feels let down when a handmade gift—the product of hours of work --is unwrapped to a lukewarm response from the recipient. None of the parties can address the real conflict unless they understand the source: a failure to share the same assumptions about the act of giving.

Bringing “the rules” into focus is the first step to bringing sanity and simplicity back to the season—and being clear about the rules and their underlying assumptions can ease conflicts with others.

How do you and your family interpret the following gift-giving rules? There are no right or wrong answers:

• Get a gift, give a gift: gift exchanges must be reciprocal.
• Even-Steven: gift exchanges must be of equal value.
• Once begun, not undone: gift exchanges, once established, must not change.
• Come one, come all: gift exchanges must extend to every member of a relationship category.

Get a gift, give a gift.

It’s a few days before Christmas, and the doorbell rings. A neighbor appears, offering a pretty basket of quick breads. You thank her, and graciously—but your heart sinks because you haven’t prepared gifts for the neighbors this year, much less baked goods.

Gotcha! You’ve just been tripped by reciprocity: the belief that for every gift received, one must be given.

As a general rule, reciprocity has an even-handed fairness to it, but applied to cases, it can be overbearing. A knee-jerk “like for like” exchange doesn’t account for differences in resources, intent or ability. Your neighbor likes to bake, is good at it, and enjoys her gift-giving rounds of the neighborhood. You don’t, but feel compelled to reciprocate anyway. Result: stress!

Know where your comfort limits lie on the issue of reciprocity, and prepare accordingly. If you’re a fervent believer in the principle, set aside a few “just in case” generic gifts before the season to be ready for the inevitable surprise gifts.

If you’re more laissez-faire on the issue, focus on your response, not reciprocity; it’s likely to be the payback the giver will value most. Your neighbor will leave your home glowing when you clap your hands, damn your diet and insist on sampling the breads right then and there, along with a cup of tea and a good chat.

Even-Steven.

You’re a veteran shopper of outlet malls, and this year, you scored the perfect gift for your fashionista sister: a luxurious natural-fiber sweater marked down to a bargain price. Wrapping the sweater for the family gift box, you pause. Laid out next to the book you’re giving your brother, the sweater’s inequity strikes you—even though you paid the same amount for each gift.

What do you do? Add a gift card to brother’s gift? Set the sweater aside for Sis’s birthday to avoid a comparison? Give the gifts as they are? Welcome to the slippery world of Even-Steven!